Riot and Frolic

Several years ago, we had newly leased and renovated an old ballroom in Saint Paul.  

We were working 10am – 10pm Monday – Saturday, teaching many private lessons, practicing 10+ hours a week for national competitions, hosting 1-2 group classes a day, and holding ballroom dance group classes for private events and corporations in the “off hours”.  

A lady called and wanted to rent our space on Easter Sunday, so she could host the meal for 40+ members of her family.  I told her we’re weren’t available for rentals, and we weren’t open on Sundays. 

“Well, the previous tenant let us rent the space.”

I told her that, being a ballroom dance studio, we didn’t have chairs besides the permanent ones that were bolted around the edge of the floor.

“Can’t you just buy a few tables and chairs?”

Clearly, she was not to be deterred by lack of availability or equipment.  

“Since we don’t do event rentals, we wouldn’t have use for them besides your brunch.  Also, we don’t have a kitchen, “ I replied.

She proceeded to tell me that she could supply chairs and tables for her party and they would carry their Easter brunch for 40+ people up the rather steep stairs to the second floor ballroom.

“Ma’am, we don’t do event rentals beyond dance events. We actually just got the historic wood floor refinished and don’t even allow street shoes on it.  Also, we don’t have a cleaning person available and we’re booked with lessons starting at 10am the next day.”

“WELL, we’re just EATING.”

Refraining from sharing any anecdotal evidence that eating was by far the messiest thing that could happen in our ballroom next to jello wrestling, I reiterated my refusal and many previous points of being unavailable, not among which was that is was Easter Sunday and we would be having our own family gathering and would not available to oversee the rental.

THEN she asked how much we charged for rental, which I believe was $150/hour.

“WHAT?! The previous tenant let us pay-what-we-will!  It was really a community space.”

[HEAVES SIGH]

I own a ballroom dance school that is open 60+ hours a week.  We have employees that ballroom dance professionally, train to teach ballroom dance, have over 40 years of experience, practice 10+ hours a week outside of teaching times, have danced in 100s of competitions, have been hired for dozens of shows, and have made medal podiums as professionals and with their students.  

Ballroom dancing is different than country dancing, swing dancing, salsa dancing, pole dancing, break dancing or hip-hop, tap/jazz/ballet/lyrical/contemporary, line dancing, and belly dancing.  There are different companies, businesses, and individuals that are trained in those areas.  No, I do not know all of their names and contact information, but I've heard Google is a thing. 

We are not just an open space.  We are not an unoccupied studio.  We have a few chairs, mirrors, and props for teaching and we occupy our space nearly 12 hours a day.

We are not equipped for sit-down events and we do not have a kitchen.  We do not have the inclination to invest in the equipment to make either of those things a reality.  We do not have the energy outside our very successful business model to make a very different business viable and successful, or enjoyable for the customers looking for those services. 

There's something to be said for branching out, and diversifying, and something about seven streams of income, but also DO WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT.  I make no excuses for the fact that I don't teach Lindy dancing (I could, and love Lindy, but there are delightful people who are great at it), Argentine tango (samesies), zydeco, pole dancing, belly dancing, line dancing, kizomba, etc., etc., etc. If I knew I could provide an awesome, exemplary service to people in any of those disciplines, I would provide them.  I am well-trained in teaching the narrow and vast art of ballroom dancing and I don't provide space rental, event planning services, or tap dance lessons. 

You wouldn’t ask a piano teacher to teach you to play the trombone.  You wouldn’t ask your kickboxing gym to do ballet classes. You wouldn't ask a doctor to check out your teeth.  

OMG.  WOULD YOU?

I love teaching ballroom dance and would love to teach you ballroom dance.  

The end.

I love you guys.  I really do.  I couldn't make a living without you.  [Ba dum ching!] But mostly, I really love you guys.  Your dedication, your talent, your attitude, your drive, all make me want you a big hug and pat on the back… after you do that move 20 more times perfectly.  

BUT, sometimes, you do some stuff that bugs me.  And I want you to stop that.  And do that move again, better.  But mostly,

Here are things I want you to stop doing on (or around) ballroom dance lessons

Apologize.  If you did it perfectly, we wouldn't make a living.  

Voluntarily tell us you didn't practice.  If we ask, say something insanely clever like "I plead the 5th".  But don't just 'fess up to not spending 2 minutes working on posture, Rumba walks, or that damn oversway right off the bat.

Don't practice.  Even if it's just a couple minutes a day.  I LITERALLY HAVE A CATALOG OF EXERCISES YOU CAN DO IN TWO MINUTES.

Blame us for your results at a competition.  You didn't win that thing that you sometimes win?  Can I list off the factors of why that might be? [I can; they're right here.]

Don't know what you need at a comp (psychologically, physically, emotionally).  I need everyone to stay the hell away from me while I have my headphones on as I'm stretching out and doing mental run-throughs in the corner (I don't even have music on, I'm just being a loner).  My partner likes to keep moving and talking to people.  We compromise to keep both of us sane.  Figure out what helps you before you hit the floor and communicate that.  

Forget all knowledge the day of coaching.  "I'm supposed to take a toe lead on 3? I've never heard that before!"  Please, just nod and smile and work hard on coaching.  Because, apparently, the dance celebrities make you lose your mind.

Don't do what we tell you to do.  The thing we're telling you to do might sound stupid and you might not know the end game, but do the thing we're telling you to do.  DO IT.  And stop arguing with us about it.  Or rationalizing why it's hard/you feel stupid/you don't want to.  We're the teachers.  You're the student.  Deal with it.

Don't trust us.  If you really believe your teacher is up to no good, you should probably start shopping for a new pro.  We are up to good things for you.  There is no glory in holding you back, giving you bad information, or steering you wrong.  

• If you look good, we look good.  
• Are you working on the same thing as that girl over there in your same proficiency level?  Maybe not.  Are you working on the same thing as that girl over there, but do I use completely different words and techniques to get you to do it?  Maybe.  
• Your background and learning style make for two very different learning experiences.  
• Don't expect to hear the same words from your teacher as he's teaching another student in the same level and especially not from a different instructor.  

Complain about us to other students and teachers.  It's way easier NOT to tell us straight to our face that you don't think you should be working on your topline right now because everyone else seems to be working on adding new choreography or that your lessons never start on time or that there's a spot on the floor that you swear is cursed, but coming directly to us with your problems and complaints will probably solve the problem a lot faster and keep our awesome relationship unscathed.  

Teach.  No, we don't care if you teach your students.  We do care if on a lesson with you, our [fairly rightful] place is usurped because you want to add a new trick that you saw on YouTube or you think the connection should go like this or you are falling over over here and want us to do something inherently wrong to fix the thing.  Again, we're pretty sure that you are paying us for our greater knowledge base.  Sure, you can take over, but attaining your dance goals might take a bit longer, too.  [And okay, we hate it when you teach other students, as well.]

FUN FACT:

I had this as a draft from YEARS ago (yes, 2015) and all I did was add some links.  It was a little shocking how much it still applies.  Since many people are getting back into dancing after a forced hiatus, it's nice to remember how to behave in the studio AND REMEMBER THAT I LOVE YOU.

Before Dancing with the Stars took off, explaining ballroom dancing to people was difficult.  Well, not the dancing part.  Most of the populace has a picture of two people dancing together, whether it was two people from the Lawrence Welk Show didn't matter.  

Explaining lessons and competitions was difficult.  

Wait, Dancing with the Stars hasn't helped that.

And clearly, Shutterstock hasn't caught on to the Dancesport, or competitive ballroom dance, industry either.  

Looking for some generic ballroom pictures recently brought me to the TREASURE TROVE of MAGNIFICENT "ballroom dance" photos that Shutterstock owns.

Guys, they're so GOOD I bought a Shutterstock membership. I'm not kidding.  

[Yes, I cancelled it after a month, but IT WAS WORTH IT.]

NOW, and only now after looking at Shutterstock and not from those 20 years that I've been dancing and teaching ballroom, I realize that "ballroom dance" might mean Argentine Tango, Bachata, any variety of swing, and anything when two people are a) touching b) moving c) smiling and/or looking romantically at each other d) possibly dressed elegantly.  

I know you're dying to see some images that would work for your next club newsletter, so let's get started.

This looks like a beautiful event.  And it is.  It's the annual International Kremlin Cadet Ball in Moscow.  Russia and many of her neighbors have produced amazing ballroom dancers, but this event is full of militaristic traditional dances, pomp, circumstance, formation drills, and "teachers barking out orders, trying to get their students to keep time" and is not a "ballroom dance". OR IS IT?

Now, this is one of those pictures I get hate mail about because while it's FINE, it's not quite there.  It SEEMS like .5 second later, everyone will be looking a bit better: her kick might reach full extension, his right leg might appear more visible, she might realize she has a right hand, everyone's posture could improve.  Or maybe not. I mean, her skirt looks cool.  AM I BEING HARSH?  YES.  But as a ballroom dance professional, I can't use that image on my website without feeling A LITTLE SILLY.  

This picture also makes me wonder who, besides ballroom clubs/team/studios, are looking for ballroom dance stock photos.  

Because if you're willing to pay for pictures of ballroom dancing, may I suggest any of the AMAZING actual ballroom dance photographers (Ryan Kenner, Stephen Marino, Tony Eng, and Marc Anderson and others) who make beautiful images on the daily?

On one hand, this picture is ADORABLE.  20 year olds are delightful IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, but MOST of the ballroom dance studio clientele is not… 20.  This is our target demographic and I LOVE getting to work with people who have a variety of backgrounds, talents, and abilities, even more than I love people who have yet to cultivate some. 

On the other hand, WHAT ARE THEY DOING? It's not a dip, it's not a corté, and it's a little awkward.  BLESS.

This seems somewhat obviously to be an Argentine Tango class.  But it was under the "ballroom dance" search, so here I go.  

It is TOTALLY COOL to learn both the lead and follow part, and I commend any leads who learn the follow's part, but WHY AM I SKEPTICAL THAT HE IS TRYING TO DO THAT? 

OH, I'll tell you why.  

IF one is going to learn the opposite part, one should FIRST learn their own part.  And since this guy isn't holding his frame up as well as anyone else in this picture, I think this is just a badly directed stock photo shoot. "Everyone, yeah, you! Hold your arms up like hers!"

When I showed these pictures to my significant other, he gave many of them the benefit of the doubt and had several excuses for what they could be doing.  

"Maybe they're doing counter promenade… Or Paso?"

"Badly?" I replied.

I'm still confused what one would use this picture for.  They're not looking at each other, or the camera, very romantically.  There's no action. Their heads are in odd places relative to frame… and the floor.  And it's not particularly elegant. 

Again, this one is SO CLOSE to being a nice photo.  And then… it's not.  

WHY IS HER HEAD AT THAT ANGLE?  WHO IS SHE FLASHING THE PEACE SIGN TO?  WHY DOES HE HAVE A PIRATE SHIRT WHILE SHE HAS A PROM DRESS ON?

If we ignore the previous picture with the scarfed lady playing the instructor, this could be a "private lesson in action" shot, with the lady in red being the instructor.

Now, as a loud and boisterous person and especially teacher, I understand having a good time on lessons.  EXCEPT, I generally do not flaunt my physical assets, nor do most other professionals I know, and this seems like a boob shot more than anything.

This.  

This is curious.

What in GOD'S NAME are they doing?!

Art director: everyone, smile!

"Dancers": what makes it look like we're dancing?

Art director: hold hands with your partner!

"Dancers": what else should we do?

Art director: kick one foot in the air!

"Dancers": which foot?

Art director: DOESN'T MATTER

Last, but not least.  My favorite terrible Shutterstock photo.  

This is literally a nightmare people have about private lessons.  And why people don't come in for private lessons.  They think they'll be made to feel awkward and people will laugh at them and they'll be asked to do ridiculous, minute corrections.  

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? WHY IS HER PARTNER HOLDING HER LIKE THAT? WHAT IS THE UNDER-DRESSED TEACHER DOING TO HER FOOT? AND WHAT IS THE BEAUTIFUL SUNLIT SPACE, BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO TEACH THERE?

To summarize, please don't use Shutterstock photos for any actual ballroom dance content.  You're better off using the camera on your phone, or even better, an actual ballroom dance photographer.  

ONE MILLION YEARS AGO [yes, I prehistorically uploaded pictures to a technological platform], I posted this series of pictures to ye olde Instagram:

Using the classic teaching tropes, I told one of my kids to "stand up tall".

Then, I said, "Use forward poise."

Next, I told her to "bend her knees".

And finally, "Chin up!"

And the final result, even though I gave her excellent directions, is … not excellent.

Well, she IS a child, one might say.  She doesn't understand what you're saying.

…

OR, maybe my excellent directions weren't that excellent.  

The phrases

• stand up tall
• use forward poise
• bend your knees
• chin up

    are all TRUE.

BUT, if they're offered with little explanation or awareness of how they tie together, you get poor Georgia up there (and quite a few beginners as well).

To complain without a solution is THE WORST, so let me offer some advice:

Stand up tall

This one is probably the hardest one to screw up, but finding vertical is admirable yet tricky for many people.  

Saying the words "stand up tall" usually makes people pull their head and shoulders back and level their jawline out.  Sometimes, you even get some correction of "duck butt" (lordosis) or "hunchback" (kyphosis).

Mostly, the work is getting everyone's heads back far enough (#desklife).  So, standing against a wall is an easy "exercise" and of course, I already wrote a posture post.

But then…

Forward poise

The words "use forward poise" mean VERY LITTLE to anyone at first.  IT IS JARGON.  VOCABULARY.  Do not use it without defining and explaining it well.

Forward poise SHOULD BE an active and engaged way to hold your body to make movement in any direction easy.  

The weight of your body should mostly be over the balls of your feet.  

I always think of tennis players (hello, Roland Garros!) who are waiting to return a serve.  Like, THEY ARE READY.  They're ready to move any which way (forward, back, right, or left) at a second's notice.  

Now, that's an extremely sporty example, but forward poise is NOT leaning on your partner (because then the impetus to move would be on your partner and not yourself), nor should your toes be curled up to keep you from falling forward.  IN both examples, you have gone too far.  

I have two methods to help people find forward poise while stationary:

• Have people bounce lightly a couple times and then stop and notice how they're standing.  It's impossible to bounce without using the balls of your feet, so VOILA.
• "Stand up tall" comfortably, which usually means people will stand with weight equally distributed over the front and back of their feet, if not further to their heels, then have them shift forward.  It helps to do this in a mirror, or at least show them a side view of how it affects posture. 

Keeping forward poise in practice, and not just standing around, is a huge part of the learning-to-dance process, but having a starting point is #1.

Bend your knees

I love yelling this from across the floor at my couples when they're in the middle of a round, BUT they already have a ton of context for what I mean.

Similar to the first two directions, bending your knees is an integral part of ballroom dancing.

YET, bending your knees also should involve bending your ankles and *GASP* at your hips. 

Do you remember poor Georgia up there?  See how she's pitched forward and has a downward angle to head because she followed my excellent directions? Poor Georgia.  

If I explained "bend your knees" better, she might look, and move, better.

Metaphors are great teaching tricks, so I like to tell people to bend their knees "like they're about to sit down" but just at the very beginning of that motion (they just hitched up their pants like Grandpa does before he sits).  Or they're perched on a barstool (for my 21+ crowd post-COVID).  

In any case, USE MORE JOINTS.

Chin up

Oy.  I hate this one.  On the continuum of "you can't really screw this up" to "just stop saying this because it's not the correct* words", this is the latter.

Because of the excellent directions I gave poor Georgia and the order I gave them in, Poor Georgia is seemingly looking down.

Well, of course, we can't have that.  

So I tell her to put her chin up and now I've made a mess.

There's not really a way to come back from this one, so read below.

SUMMARY

All of those phrases I told Poor Georgia were “correct” but when instructors throw them at students with no context/corrections/specificity, students just DO all of them… and then look a bit goofy. And it messes up their learning for the future.

Everyone needs to use forward poise, but it’s not just leaning forward, as it’s often quickly explained.  And if you’re trying to “lean forward” and then someone tells you to bend your knees, your butt sticks out. And then someone tells you to look up, then you’re one big goofy-looking zigzag and it’s not your fault!

Trying to sum up something that involves a lot of subtleties and technique in 2 or 3 instructions results in bad learned habits. – the brilliant KIAH (whose name shall always be all caps in my book)

It seems to happens most often in group classes, or when teachers want to teach more (note: more ideas, which feels more productive to many instructors than spending 45 minutes to several weeks showing a student how to stand up properly [in fun and sneaky and a million variety of ways], EVEN IF IT'S BETTER FOR EVERYONE IN THE END).  

If you feel like you're teaching more, DO MORE LEARNING.  There's 50 ways to leave your love of dancing with your student : through words, movement, examples, exercises, metaphors, repetition, graphs, drawings, videos, homework…

FIND MORE WAYS to communicate all the things.  Talk to fellow teachers, go to classes yourself (OMG PLEASE DO THIS ALWAYS), take lessons, read books, practice, notice, reflect.  

GO FORTH AND TEACH GOOD.

Thanks to Diane, for years of sending me pictures like this.  

*annoying teaching things : I try not to say "right" when I mean "correct".  While "right" is correct, it's confusing because DANCING (#right and #left).

Yes, you.

 I've heard a variety of excuses for not wanting to take a one-on-one lesson with a professional instructor:

• I'm not ready yet.
• I'm not good enough.
• I don't know how to dance.
• That teacher only takes advanced dancers.
• I don't know enough.
• I don't want to compete.
• I don't know what I'd work on.

Guess what?  These are the exact reasons that you NEED a private lesson.

Let's address these very common concerns.

"I'm not ready yet."

It does not matter what level you're at; whether you kind of know left from right or you've been dancing for several years, professional instructors are available to give you skills and tips to help you succeed at ANY LEVEL.  

Did we all start with some good ol' walking steps?  YES, WE DID.  (Sure, some dancers started with walking steps when they were 5 years old, but WE ALL STARTED WITH THE SAME BASICS.) 

Good instructors will work with absolute beginners, people who can't hear music, people who were dragged in by partners (and not excited about dancing… yet), and EVERYONE ELSE.  

"I'm not good enough."

This is EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULD TAKE PRIVATE LESSONS.  Group classes and social learning is fun and great, but a teacher who is working with you (or you and your partner) personally will exponentially increase your understanding of techniques, figures, and styling.  

Plus your humility is A+ in my book.  Please come take a lesson and let me help you dance better.

"I don't know how to dance."

I get this, but um, HOW ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO LEARN?!

Again, I GET IT.  Admitting you don't know how to do ANYTHING is scary, but damn brave, as well.  

Knowing you have to walk into a studio (a scary, new experience for most), tell at least one person you don't know what you're doing (ugh, a humbling thought), and then put yourself in the hands of someone [who might be a generation younger than you] to teach you something new is ALL SCARY.

BUT THIS IS MY JOB.  

I honestly LOVE IT when absolute newbies come in.  There's no bad habits to break and I get a clean slate!  

Again, your bravery in trying something new (that could change your life in great ways) is honorable, so get your ass into the studio.

"That teacher only takes advanced dancers."

There are some instructors whose schedules are full [BLESS THEM] and cannot take new students of any level.  There are very few instructors who will not teach beginners.

Even if a particular instructor seems OH SO ELITE AND BUSY, asking for a private lesson never hurt.  Even if they are crazy busy, many will make time available, or put you on a waiting list for when they have a cancellation.

This goes for instructors who have a large number of competitive students, as well.  As their students progress into higher levels, their availability for beginning students opens up.  

In other words, ask.  If anything, the pro will be honored you asked and give you a rec for someone else worthy.

"I don't know enough."

Similar to the first few examples, but I've heard this from some people who "only" know a couple moves, or took some community education classes, or have social danced a certain style.

Again, teaching people, at any level, in many different dances, is professional instructors' JOBS.  It is literally what we are trained to do.  And have spent years of our lives and most of our money learning to do better. [insert laughing and crying emoji here]

You've done Salsa in clubs?  Cool, let me show you some Cha Cha, and then Rumba.  

You took a community ed class seven years ago? Let's refresh some basics and extend your repertoire and add some technique specific to you.

"I don't want to compete." 

Many, MANY students of ballroom dance don't compete.  Many have NO DESIRE to even perform.  

Ballrooming is still super fun without competition.

You still get to learn how to move to music with another person in a social and friendly atmosphere which will give you an excellent workout, stave off mental decline, and keep you active for yyyyyeeeeeaaaaarrrrrssss to come.  

"I don't know what I'd work on."

That problem can be solved by… taking a private lesson.

It seems a little circular, but if you have an inkling that you'd like to take a lesson, come in and take a lesson, and you and your instructor will figure out what to work on from there.

It might mean you have to dance a little something with/in front of your instructor so that person can come up with a plan.  It might mean you say, "I know this and this in Samba, but it doesn't feel right/look right." 

But your lack of ideas WILL NOT be an obstacle to a professional (in the nicest way I can mean that).

Other reasons that you should take private lessons:

• I'm not seeing the progress I'd like.
• I'm not seeing the competition results I'd like. 

I am SO EXCITED to break these down for you:

"I'm not seeing the progress I'd like."

Honestly, if you're not taking private lessons, I'm surprised you're seeing much progress.

All respect to group classes because they are a great place to discover patterns and general technique, but the personalized focus of private lessons on the skills, figures, and techniques that YOU NEED cannot be beat.

I often hear "why am I still at [name your plateau] after [name your amount of time]?".  If you're going to tell me you've been dancing for 10 years, but have only taken group classes (#sorrynotsorry) and 20 private lessons over that time and are wondering why that person who started two years ago, but takes 20 privates lessons A MONTH and goes to group classes and practices outside of the studio is in the advanced class and you're not, then I have some words for you: commitment and focus.

And MAYBE IT'S NOT YOUR TIME to commit and focus on ballroom dancing.  THAT IS FINE.  Really!  It is!  But comparison is the damn thief of joy, yo, so stop it.  Go on your own damn dance journey, you hear?  

BUT REALLY, DO YOU HEAR?!

But if you want to see progress, take some private lessons, okay?

"I'm not seeing the competition results I'd like."

Different, but the same as above.  

I often hear "why am I not beating [name your nemesis] or making [name your elusive round]?".

The variety of answers could be somewhere along the lines of:

Your material is out of date/out of category/too long/too boring.

Your technique is invisible (and not in a good way).

Your timing is non-existent.

Again, this can happen fairly easily in a group learning environment, when the lowest common denominator is often catered to more than the … greatest common divisor.

If you take private lessons, many of these issues can be worked out with, get this, the personalized attention of a ballroom dance professional.  

(The only thing you need to be able to do to take a private lesson is AFFORD it.  If that means you can take one private lesson and practice that material for a month before your next lesson, that's great!  Be clear with your instructor about your goals, time and budget.  Most teachers can work out a plan for nearly anyone. Private lessons are not inexpensive, but the payoff is considerable.)

just adverb

\ ˈjəst   \

Synonyms: merely, simply, only

I’ve often heard this comment from leads when they’re about to attempt something that is not fully formed in their repertoire and/or are asking a follow to dance that admits not knowing the dance. But I’ve also heard it from follows who claim they’ll “just follow” a dance or dancing in general.  

I have many problems with this comment. Seven to be exact.

First of all, *I* don’t “just” do *anything*. I do things with *panache*.  [insert hair flip]

Secondly, regardless of my personal lifestyle choices, this comment assumes that following is not an educated, active part of the ballroom dance partnership.  

And that’s where we shall start (be it at #3):

3. If I’m being asked to “just follow,” that lead had better be “just leading.” In other words, the lead should be giving me a clear signal of what timing we’re doing (in the frame of the dance’s appropriate timings, ON THE BEAT OF THE MUSIC), using consistent tone through their frames and centers to guide me in the direction of movement, and NOT DOING WEIRD SHIT.  

I have often been told to “just follow” while none of the aspects of leading were being adhered to.  So no, I will not “just follow” a bad lead. I will stay on time and cover for you so we both look cool, and try to have fun doing it.

4. If this is a practice situation and a lead asks me *politely* to “just follow,” HUZZAH. I accept this challenge and will go (or stop) wherever and whenever you want me to, regardless of momentum and comfort. There should then ensue a pleasant exchange of words suggesting what was felt when, how that affected the movement not being ideal, and many repetitions of that pattern with minor (to major) improvements being implemented.

5. After more than a few years honing my craft (I’ll use my favorite line: LONGER THAN MOST OF YOU HAVE BEEN ALIVE), I have a pretty good sense of a) possible precedes and follows for every step ever b) the physics of dancing c) my own posture and frame. 

Since leads are in charge of timing and direction, when my momentum from a previous step hasn’t been redirected in a timely manner, I enjoy continuing in the direction of my momentum into a logical following step to preserve my physical comfort (redirecting late often puts the brunt of force/torque onto the follow’s joints) and fluidity of the dance.  

But in a weird twist on “just follow,” I am sometimes told “you’re backleading,” to which I say, “Nah, I’m just doing my job.”

6. When follows say this comment in an off-hand manner (usually in the context of a lead asking “Do you know how to dance?” and the follow saying, “I just follow”), it makes me sad.  First of all, it’s putting ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY for timing, movement, patterns, floorcraft, and FUN upon the lead.  

As follows, we have to know the basic pattern and timing of a dance and have some sense of connection and tone through our bodies to be a fully engaged partner. If follows don’t know that, it is totally cool to own it [ask me about my first time country dancing], but assuming a lead can make a dance enjoyable with little to no help from the follow is a huge expectation that should be reserved for very, very strong (muscularly) dancers with years and years…and years of experience.  

7.  Leads aren’t born, they are raised. I have heard from many a delightful man that they were in a casual setting (bar, wedding, non-ballroom-dance-event) and were “dancing” and the lady got mad because he “wasn’t leading.” But most dancers won’t expect non-male leads to “just lead” like it’s an ingrained trait.  

Now, if ladies get to claim men should “just lead” (or that they should have an instinct for leading, regardless of dance training, musical ability, or time spent vertical in very close proximity to a lady), then we can expect a mess of men to never want to dance because their confidence was shattered by a passing comment at that one wedding 10 years ago. And trust me, that group of men exists. And is not small.  

So maybe leads DO have the right to say “just follow” since partner dancing is SO ingrained in our culture. [side eye, side eye, side eye… side eye]

For both parties, leads and follows, let’s give each other some slack and realize everyone is learning how to do their parts better. Instead of putting the responsibility on one’s partner, take the reins by asking a person to dance politely, then shutting up and trying to make each dance as enjoyable as possible for yourself AND your partner.  

This originally was published in Sheer Dance, but I refer to it so often, it needed a second home here.

Along with my years doing pro-am, I had an excellent couple seasons doing am-am (two amateurs dancing together).  While I enjoyed partnering with two lovely gentlemen, and we traveled to USABDA [now USADance] regionals and stayed in Minnesota for the infamous Nationals at Roy Wilkins Auditorium (NOT on a coast?!  the audacity!), and we were competitive (aka, wanting and fairly able to win), it was not the same fierceness I’ve felt in other capacities as a dancer.  Partly, it was because I was dancing am-am FOR FUN, and while competing at Nationals was cool, I knew I wasn’t competing in the most prestigious levels (AKA, Open) or capable of earning a title at that point.  Also, I knew I wasn’t going to be dancing am-am for long: I enjoyed pro-am and was curious about turning pro.

For many dancers in the amateur circuit though, it’s a very serious endeavor as a hobby (consuming most of their free time and money), or one avenue to becoming a professional.

For the amateur side of things, I don’t so much have a list of pros and cons as a list of “ideas that exist”.  For each point, some might consider it as plus, while others want to troll it on social media.  

While my much shorter opinion on the am-am side of things might seem over-simplified, I do have follow up posts in the works about many "ideas that exist" which partnerships present (which can apply to both ams and pros).

So let’s get to it.

While dancing am-am:

• You must know (or learn) your own part.  
• It is literally no one’s job in an am-am situation to make you look good or make up for your shortcomings, so you must do many things that some pro-am-ers can get away with, like hold up your own frame, stand up on your own, know your foot placements/timing/routines/etc.
• You are doing your best to look good as a partnership.
• “Looking good” is a) relative to other people in your proficiency level and age category b) not always indicative of “being good” (using quality techniques to produce excellent movements)
• Since private lessons are shared, you are not getting personalized-to-you lessons.  You’re getting personalized-to-your-partnership lessons.  If you aren’t understanding a concept or technique, it’s actually best to take a one-on-one lesson with your fav instructor to get that idea crystal clear and make progress in your partnership faster/easier.
• You’re sharing expenses!  
• Lessons, travel, competition registration fees, sometimes even costumes (but not often, because #rhinestones)!
• You are in a Partnership
• Like marriage, but worse, because goals, and short term ones at that, so there is STRESS.  Also, it is literally a physical partnership, where your partner might mess up your shoulder, which might make those goals harder to reach, not to mention leave you hurting like hell.
• You must hold your tongue.  My best marriage advice should be used as dance partnership advice as well, “Shut. Up.” There are ONE MILLION experiences when it would feel so great to say “I told you so” or the like.  But stop it.  Not giving your two cents is GREAT for building your willpower and learning to be a good person and probably making your partnership a happier one.
• You have someone to practice with! For those of you who have practiced solo, while it IS fortifying, it is not the most satisfying part of partner dancing.  Having a built in practice buddy is more entertaining and makes marathon practice seshs more possible (fighting notwithstanding).

If you’re already a pro-am dancer:

• Dancing am/am is a great way to refresh the FOUNDATIONS OF DAMN DANCING and practice your technique, especially if you get the opportunity to dance at a lower level than your pro-am proficiency level (and you should try to dance at the lowest level possible since you “point out” of levels in the USADance circuit, one of the main competitive circuits). 
• Your time spent in pro-am might get reinforced.  After having a grand time doing pro-am, with a rather demanding instructor, it was a great reflection of my education to do am/am and kill it.  Often, on the pro-am floor, you’re competing against people who take hundreds of lessons a year.  HUNDREDS.  And compete more than some pros.  And while the am-am world is very competitive (especially the International styles), many ams have never hit the pro-am world and spent hundreds of hours (and the exponential number of dollars) on their very own dancing.  And often the focus that pro-am-ers receive means their foundational movements are cleaner than am-am dancers.  
• Do what the pros do.  Most pros spend 80% of their time dancing with people below their level.  You learn how to work smarter and better by doing the same thing over and over.

Dancing as an amateur can be such a great experience: building new friendships, learning new skills, finding new disciplines, etc.  If you're dancing with your significant other, it can be a quality way to spend time together and traveling.  If you're gunning for a National title in the Championship levels in any style, you are doing Great Things.  If you are learning the beginning framework of partner dancing starting from a blessed box, you are doing Great Things.  Hell, if you are ballroom dancing in any capacity, I say, "GREAT THINGS."

GO FORTH AND CONQUER, PEEPS.