a mostly ballroom dance, but also a bunch of other stuff, blog
To celebrate the anniversary of my first ballroom dance experience, because I have no shame, and because I had to start writing this blog again somehow, I am sharing a completely terrible video of a not-even-close-to-my-first performance.
Note: I hope you're sick as you're watching this, because laughter is the best medicine.
There are certain milestones that one expects to experience. You know, those experiences that make writing books, making movies, and maintaining a blog relatively easy.
There are two of these experiences that I have been asked a lot about lately: marriage and childbirth. There are many insights, revelations, and memories I have about these two milestones, but one big thing really sticks out about each.
Marriage
Besides not being able to say the institution's name without reciting this whole scene in my head, there was one thing that REALLY shocked me about being married, after the whole song and dance of ceremony, reception, honeymoon.
I live with my husband.
No, no, I mean, he lives in my house.
And he doesn't leave.
Ever.
If we get in a fight and I go for a walk to cool off, I come home later
AND HE'S STILL THERE.
I'm not sure why this living arrangement didn't dawn on me with the whole "until death do you part" thing, but going from putting my recycling bin in whatever disorder I wanted to having someone else leave dirty dishes in the sink (WHY IN THE SINK?! WHY NOT ON THE COUNTER WITH ALL THE OTHER DIRTY DISHES?!) was SHOCKING.
Childbirth
Blah blah blah contractions blah blah blah labor blah blah blah pushing blah blah blah ow, whatever. They give you a kid, and the fact that they expect you to take it home and keep it alive is pretty shocking, but there is something else.
You still look quite pregnant.
"Things" are not quite back to where they belong… Things like organs. Organs are all stretched out, along with the muscles and ligaments and tendons that were surrounding them. Your midsection is now weird. I mean, it's been weird for 9 months, but now it's weird and not holding anything.
And those late night snacks and constant carb cravings? They didn't just fall off your arms and ass when the baby "popped out".
And those medical people tell you about it, in a roundabout way. "Bring a going-home outfit that was comfortable when you were about 5 months pregnant" or the like will be on prenatal brochures of all kinds. Maybe I just focused on "comfortable", because I looked okay at 5 months pregnant, so whatevs. Skinny jeans! Screw you maternity clothes!
But no.
Not "whatevs".
You experience it.
And it is shocking.
Good times. What shocks you?
Boys.
Men.
You have a waist.
Wear your pants on it.
You might be sexy, or have a nice rear, or killer obliques, or all the above, but wearing your dance pants like you wear your going-to-a-bar pants is going to make you look weird on the dance floor.
A) If you wear your well-fitted pants below your waist in the fashion of today, you will not be beefcake, but you will represent a different kind of pastry: muffin top. We don't hear much about the man muffin tops, but they are there, even for fit/skinny men who don't seem to have the ability to have any… overhang. Blame the skin-tight characteristic of dancesport clothing and the fact that a waist band has to bind somewhere to hold up your trousers. [Here is where I reeeeeeeeally want to post incriminating/helpful photos, but I won't.]
NOTE: Don't think you're safe because you're wearing one of those cool kimono shirts or because you're sporting an untucked shirt (which is a whole different problem) or because your shirt isn't tight (again, a different problem) because …
B) If you wear your pants in the comfortable and less-old-man feeling "low rise" position, your well-fitted pants will not show off your terrific ass. SHAME. ON. YOU. I mean, a good 32% of the reason women do ballroom dance is to watch you fabulous men shake your fabulous rears. And we want ideal caboose-watching circumstances here, men.
C) Men, you've probably seen your dance partners. They're not wearing a lot, and they're not wearing things they wear on the usual, and they're probably not entirely comfortable in those things. (Except for maybe the rhinestone bra, OH WAIT, NO.) In a little move of solidarity, suck it up and wear your clothes in a way that makes you look hot, yet maybe not in the way that you'd wear them to your grandma's house. (Although, who knows, maybe Gramma loves a good open-chested shirt as well as me.)
D) And LENGTH! It's more important than width… Please make sure once you've hiked your pants up to what feels like Ed Grimley-like heights that your gorgeous ankles are covered. And your shoes. In other words, I want your pants touching the floor when you're not moving. And a stirrup around your shoe. Because I just don't want to see your ankles. And because the ballroom won't flood. Promise.
Thanks, men.
Yes, I have been "in the family way" often the last couple years, and while I have done some supposedly unconventional things in these precious months, here are the completely normal things I'm looking forward to doing in the near future…
Bonus: I will drink a scotch, smoke a cigarette, and eat sushi all in one sitting.
Things I Dig
What are you into? Gilmore Girls? Constantine? Knitting? Troublemaking? Alex Minsky (seriously, read his bio)?
Get it? Advent…ures? I am SO clever. Yes, it's that pre-Christmas season again and I'm mostly prepared.
Last year, I clogged up our brains with daily updates; this year I'm going Theme Week route and doing a once-a-week roundup.
In case you're also feeling the spirit moving you, here's our list of merry [yes, you should be yelling all of these]:
In case you're feeling overwhelmed or that I'm crazy: these do not all happen exactly on the day they are planned. Many times, we'll open up the bag for the day and then run out of time after running around town getting CFDs (Cute Family Discount, which The G swears we get often), working, and doing laundry. MANY days we double up and for many of these crafts, I do a lot of the prep work (which I immensely enjoy), so the ladies just get to do the magic.
If some of these activities are age inappropriate, weather inappropriate, or just plain inappropriate (maybe you're allergic to ginger and CANNOT make a gingerbread house), I have plenty more ideas on my Christmas Countdown Pinterest board.
Days 1-8
Day 1: SINGING.
There are SOME people in our house that can sing. Namely, everyone but me. But if you turn up the stereo enough, you can't actually hear yourself, and you just blend right in the Bing, Harry [Connick, Jr, you nerds], and Pentatonix.
We also put up the super fabulous tinsel tree in the girls' room, which is surrounded by the bags numbered for each day. I drop some of the supplies in and a note explaining what we're doing for that day.
Day 2: These are the ones I could find [are not stashed away in beds] or remember [have read recently] from our collection.
Bring a Torch, Jeannette Isabella by Nicholas Saloby
The Nutcracker by George Balanchine
Treasured Tales of Christmas by Deborah Apy
The Bear Stays Up for Christmas by Karma Wilson
The Night Before the Night Before Christmas by Natasha Wing
The Night Before Christmas illustrated by Mary Engelbreit
Day 3: you know who buys stuff the week after Christmas and stashes it away to use NEXT Christmas? This girl. Gingerbread house? $1.97. BOOM.
Day 4: snow paint. It's kind of like puffy paint and permanent shaving cream, but it's sparkly and smells good, so it's AMAZING.
Day 5: random acts of kindness. AKA putting M&Ms in public places.
The girls have a hard time not thinking of specific people to give them to ("let's give them to Daddy!/JB!/Erika!/Scott!/Auntie Dee!"), so I offer up suggestions like on the gas pump at the gas station, on a cart handle at Target, at the ATM, on a garbage can, on a mailbox, etc.
I get SUPER excited about this one, like giggling uncontrollably and hiding behind large objects excited. It's like playing Ding Dong Ditch, but with CANDY and NICENESS.
Day 6: The Grinch That Stole Christmas and shopping for Christmas presents. The classic movie from EVERYBODY'S childhood (with popcorn!), along with solo trips (on the way home from work) for each girl to pick out presents for their sisters. I relegate them to the dollar-ish section at Target and still it's a MASSIVE test of decision making.
Day 7: Decorate sugar cookies. I went the easy, and therefore more awesome, route with sugar cookies from Schwan's and premade icing in handy little packages.
Day 8: Hunt for a Christmas tree. AKA The Ones Who Can Sing, burning off their abundant energy. Just how I like it.
How do you do Christmas? Or Hanukkah? How do you spell Hanukkah?
Thanksgiving is pretty exciting around here because you get a day off your regular job and people insist you cook all day.
Since I dig my job and I love cooking, I WIN. But The G is also home, so child-wrangling duties are decreased by at least 50% and I'm good at planning, so there's NAPTIME.
Here's the week in theme:
Monday
Books:
Thanksgiving Rules by Laurie Friedman and Teresa Murfin - fun, over-stimulating (in a good way) book about how to handle Thanksgiving (AKA, eat everything).
Thank You, Thanksgiving by David Milgrim - Super cute illustrations, easy to read, showing independence and generosity in a very simple story.
One is a Feast for a Mouse by Judy Cox and Jeffrey Ebbeler - amazing illustrations!
Celebrate Thanksgiving by Deborah Heiligman - somewhat annoying format, but informational, so meh.
Thanksgiving Day Thanks by Laura Malone Elliot and Lynn Munsinger - it was fine. There are just so many GREAT children's books, and I didn't love this one.
How to Draw Thanksgiving Things by Rob Court - I got this just so I could draw the turkey. Yes, so I could draw the turkey. Totally worth it.
Tuesday
Gratitude Garland: I had prepped the pennant pieces for this WEEKS ago out of REALLY ADORABLE scrapbook paper and I was STOKED to hear what the girls were going to be thankful for.
Since we had just gone to the Science Museum, it took me a while to coax them away from saying "dinosaurs" and "going to the Science Museum" and "that place that we went today… the Science Museum?… yes! I'm thankful for the Science Museum" and "dinosaurs". Eventually we got to books, family, our house, and other simpler things.
Directions and a free template download are here.
Wednesday
Table decorations: extra ones! for guests! We sort of made these turkey/fan ones from Martha Stewart, but how they got the "tails" to stick on like they did was beyond me.
We put a line of glue on the bottom of the fan to hold the creases together and glued it to the turkey butt and called it a day.
Thursday
Cleaning: It's not a craft, but it is an art, amirite?
Friday
Hopping corn: a less dangerous version of the baking soda-vinegar combination and it was REALLY COOL. The popcorn bounces up and down. I don't know. I'm easily amused.
How was your week? Good Thanksgiving? Do you make turkey… or lasanga? Just pie?
Note: just watched a super violent with this guy in it and couldn't place where I'd seen him before.
Laughed and laughed at his departure from Olde England.
Happy December, y'all (that was for you, Warren)!
ROBERT PLANT.
I put my "secret track" for Rumba on here. It's soooooooooo inappropriate to play on lessons, but it's SO PERFECT.
If you thought I wouldn't put Christmas music on here, YOU WERE WRONG. And if Pentatonix doesn't give you the feels, YOU MUST BE DEAD.
LOVE YOU.
[For the mobile version, click here.]
I have accidentally been collecting owl things for a few years. I didn't realize it was a collection until people started buying me gifts with owls on them (mugs, Christmas decorations, notebooks).
"Because you love owls!"
Let's be real, though, people: owls are super creepy-looking in real life, but cartoon and craft ones? ADORBS.
Monday
Library Day: ah, books. You lovely things.
The Great Paper Caper by Oliver Jeffers - Who doesn't love some O.J.? Ford? Too soon? Anyhow, Oliver Jeffers writes great kids' books, even if I think he is writing mostly for the adults reading them. Clever illustrations and a funny bit with an owl made this TOTALLY APPROPRIATE for Owl Week, even though the bird wasn't the main character.
Little Hoot by Amy Krouse Rosenthal and Jen Corace - haha! Reverse psychology is put at play when Little Hoot doesn't want to stay up late.
Time to Sleep, Sheep the Sheep by Mo Willems - Oh, Cat the Cat, you are so great. Mo Willems, you ain't bad either. And teaching kids about nocturnal animals? EASY.
Little Owl's Day by Divya Srinivasan - It's just so pretty.
Owl Moon by Jane Yolen and John Schoenherr - This book gives you the feels. And it has a medal on it, so … It's good.
Little Owl's Night by Divya Srinivasan - Picturesssssss.
Tuesday
Paper owls: I was reeeeeeeeally excited about this day's thing. I found 3EyedBear's amazing 3D paper creations while Googling "owl crafts" and JACKPOT. You print out their amazing design, cut along the lines, fold in a couple spots, add a few dots of glue, and BAM! Groovy paper toys.
I did all the cutting and folding, since it required a bit of precision, but the ladies glued and directed my assembly skills until each rascal had a cute little owl to represent their spot at the table.
Can I wait for Gnome Week? NO I CANNOT.
Wednesday
Owl cards: I now consider card-making "writing practice" along with "fine motor skills" since the ladies end up writing hilarious greetings (or drawing finely detailed and hilarious pictures) for the recipients. Another simple project from Craft-a-Day, btw.
Thursday
Owl Stuffies: Why are there no pictures of this project?, you ask. Well, sometimes, REALLY GOOD parents do craft projects at 9pm (okay, maybe 10pm) and forget to take photographs while coordinating small humans with needle and thread and the putting on of pajamas and reading stories and getting a "midnight snack" for oneself.
Anyhoo, they looked almost exactly the same as the paper owls shown above, but made out of felt and with GOOGLY EYES.
Mae Cake, always surprising, noticed they didn't have wings and thought they should AND was really good at sewing.
Friday
Field Trip Friday: since I didn't do a field trip for Numbers Week, we headed down to the Minnesota Department of Revenue in St. Paul where we played around "Shunyata" by Steven Woodward, large scultured numbers which lay across the lawn.
This was my favorite picture from the trip, taken by Zoo, of V standing on her favorite number:
How was your week? In the holiday spirit? Avoiding the holiday spirit? Seen any owls lately? WHERE DOES ONE GO TO SEE OWLS?!
It's winter in Minnesota.
Yeah yeah, I know it's not Winter, it's Autumn, but the windchill is below 10°F and there's snow on the ground, so WINTER.
Going from inside to outside is not entirely pleasant and you probably want to get to another inside destination as quickly as possible. And you know about the whole Minnesota pedestrian law, so you DART INTO TRAFFIC WITHOUT PAUSE.
WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE?
First of all, let me reitirate that it's winter in Minnesota. In other words, there is a constant layer of ice over the roadways for the next 5-7 months. Ice, I'll remind you, is slippery. If you walk out of Starbucks on Grand Avenue and dart across the street while the nearest car is a mere 10 yards away when it's snowing, you bet the driver is going to throw you the bird.
Wondering what the over/under is on whether I'm going to hit a witless walker is why I widely avoid Grand Avenue as a motorist, BUT SOMETIMES I FORGET.
Besides the trust in the automotive industry's braking systems, you're also taking for granted that people are really paying attention while they're driving. You know, with the texting and the Facebooking and the many other things people seem to think need to be done while operating a quickly-moving two-ton machine. You should ponder this AS YOU'RE TEXTING AND JAYWALKING.
The commonly held perception of the MN pedestrian law is that cars have to stop for people crossing the street. The actual law states that you must be in the crosswalk, or at an intersection, and that you may not "suddenly leave a curb or other place of safety and walk or run into the path of a vehicle".
Here's a few hints:
In other words, DO WHAT YOUR MOTHER TAUGHT YOU.
Riot and Frolic 