Riot and Frolic

Since I've been told my children are ABSOLUTE ANGELS, here's how to make your children awesome like mine:

1. Have no idea what you're doing.  It's reeeeeally helpful if you didn't spend any time around children smaller than yourself growing up; hopefully you didn't have any babysitting experience, younger siblings, or neighborhood kids hanging around you giving you expectations for how young humans behave.
2. Once your young offspring is living in your home and you are decidedly the caregiver, pretend you know EXACTLY what you're doing.  (Examples: Of course the diapers need to stacked with the folds facing southwest, otherwise the baby gets diaper rash.  NO, you may not put mustard on that plate.)  Feel free to change your VERY STRONG OPINIONS as often as you want to find out what really works.  
3. Treat physical milestones as milestones in HELPFULNESS.  Your kid can walk?  Awesome, then you don't have to carry them and the groceries.  Your kid can open the fridge?  OMG, the possibilities are endless.  Your kid can talk?  ORDER ME A PIZZA.
4. Don't have a whole lot of patience.  Expect that your precious bundle of joy will do something the first time you tell them, figure if they did a task once they can do it again, etc.
5. Don't have a timeline.  While you are not patient, you are not on schedule.  Everything will take TEN TIMES LONGER than you think it should: short legs and lack of hand-eye coordination and whatnot of your tagalongs.  If you need to get somewhere tomorrow by noon, start now.
6. Tell your tiny entourage what is going to happen and then make it happen.  Example: We are going to store to get flour, sugar, milk, and butter.  You are going to sit in the cart and smile.  I will pay for the flour, sugar, milk, and butter and we will leave the store.  The end.  
7. Have quiet time.  Sit amidst the chaos of your living room and read a book with your feet up while drinking coffee and don't talk to them for 15+ minutes.  
8. Toys are over-rated.  Cardboard boxes, wood blocks, cardboard rolls from paper towel, crayons and paper, ridiculous clothes from thrift shops, and the occasional stuffed animal/doll rate SO MUCH HIGHER than ALMOST ALL THE FANCY THINGS. 
9. Don't like washing dishes?  Teach the children.  Don't like cleaning the bathroom?  Get some non-toxic cleaning solution and teach the children. Need to wash the windows?  Teach the children. 
10. No one knows what they're doing as an adult (especially as a parent) and unless you're you, nothing is going to be done perfectly (AKA, the way you like it).  Chill out and laugh at yourself and your children.  Because you both deserve it.  We're all ridiculous.