For those of you who live outside Menards' 14-state area of home improvement monstrosities, it's like Home Depot, BUT IT'S NOT. Or maybe like a Costco, BUT NOT AT ALL.
Because, fuck, Menards. I just hate you.
Now to be fair, the first beef I have is with a particular Menards, but there are several traits that are genetic.
1. parking – granted, they shoehorned "my" location into a relatively tiny, quarter-million square foot triangle between some railroad tracks and University Avenue, but what were they thinking when they arranged the parking lot?
- the Green Line (the highly controverisal light rail train) has been under development or construction since 2001 and University Avenue and the perpendicular interesections have been a clusterfuck ever since. Could they not have put the main entrance on the northern corner of the lot instead of right in middle of Hell?
that one traffic cone will not save you from the first gate
the second gate- this is a home improvement store, right? Where people are buying lumber and drywall and plumbing and appliances and other large items, right? Where contractors, handymen, and DIYers might be strapping things to the roofs of their trucks, vans, and cars? Or at least unloading parcels into trunks and flatbeds? And maybe they don't drive Smart Cars? THEN WHY ARE THE AISLES SO DAMN NARROW?! Two cars can BARELY pass each other without scraping paint. On top of that, everyone in that parking lot is still recovering from the road rage of entering the Menards' property and thusly, not driving Minnesota-nicely.
the third gate
2. organization – let's say you got into the store without coming to fisticuffs in the parking lot. Then you must face down the daunting gauntlet of Menards' unlabeled bins of things. Want to find a 1" dark iron cap for your radiators? GOOD LUCK.
- the first couple trips, I thought it was because I was a girl or blonde or didn't really know what I was looking for, but when I was rummaging through not-thoroughly-sorted trinkets and swearing under my breath next to several burly men with toolbelts still on and purchase orders, I knew it wasn't just my hot pink shirt that was throwing me off.
- are you still looking for that elusive trim and have wandered aisle after aisle to no avail? It might be in the seasonal aisle, or you might find an employee to help y…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No.
3. service
- unlike Home Depot, where the employees are often so chipper I want to punch them in the face and so helpful I literally hide from them, Menards might as well have hired some crickets. *chirp chirp*
- the employees that can be tracked down must have been forced to watch the Miley Cyrus debacle before their shift and are therefore pretty sad and disgusted about people and just life in general.
- clearly, Menards has great prices and their rebates are so kick-ass that The G and I will continue to mill around their store with growing hatred to save a shitload of money, but MAYBE if they raised their prices 2% or something and threw some candy at their employees, it wouldn't feel so much you're asking for help from the Angry Cat.
what gate are we on? nine? there aren't really nine gates of Hell, but there are nine gates of Menards!
4. snacks - here's where they really get you. You're feeling angry, lost, lonely, confused, sad, helpless, tired, and probably hungry. But you have your things. You've won the war. You've completed your journey. You're a damn Hobbit returning to the shire. You're wearily pushing your cart to check out when you round the corner and
the amazing array of delectable snacks and treats has dazzled your frazzled mind and you leave the store smiling because you found the Sharing Size Peanut M&Ms AND YOU'RE NOT SHARING.
You win, Menards, you win.
Riot and Frolic 
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