Running Advice for Idiots

Don't take offense to the post title; I'm really writing these down as personal reminders to me after another failed run this morning due to #7. Ugh. #7.

How to Not Die (or Feel Like It) While Running

Run in the morning.

seriously
When your alarm goes off in the morning, roll out of bed. Do it. Do it do it do it and don't think about it. Start doing #3.
The night before you run, you put your running clothes out in the most easy-to-climb-into arrangement possible. Now that it's morning, don the running apparel. Try not to wake up your brain while doing this.
Brush your teeth. It sucks to smell your own morning breath for an hour.
Your brain is probably onto your plan by now, and a little pissed, but you've reached the point of no return, what with the standing and the clothes and the minty-ness. You may reward it with coffee.

drink it like an old school bad ass, while you're at it.
Put your hair up (if there is hair to be had). Do not put it in a ponytail because that shit will mess with you the whole run. Stray hairs feel like killer bugs and you will spaz out accordingly in the middle of the busiest street. The Ponytail Metronome will distract you with it's strangely uneven rhythm. Plus, all that hair is hot. I like a firmly elasticised "bun"(I do a tight version of this for running and ballrooming).
Drink water. If you don't drink water, you'll get a massive sideache at mile 1.5 and have to walk the 1.5- 17 miles remaining. Boo.
During the first mile, remind yourself how awesome you'll feel when you're done (do not focus on how terrible it feels now).
On the middle miles, zone out. Or think about this or this.
Near the end? Use your inner cheerleader to push yourself home. I've done a little experimenting with this and whether my mind is a mean girl ("you lazy wench! it's only another half mile! So-and-so could do it!") or a nice girl ("you can do it! you've already come this far! you're doing a great job!"), some motivating self-talk does wonders for finishing strong.